I just got an email from one of the employer that I thought had forgotten about me asking if I am still available for employment. And because I was at school all day, helping out the Indonesian Student Organization selling tickets for the coming Indonesian Kitchen, without internet access, I just checked my email after the work hour is over. Darn it. I would have to wait until tomorrow to really know whether I will have good news. But nevertheless, I'm so psyched!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
Grandma
My grandma was gone last week. She tripped over some rock and got a stroke. It happened suddenly and I had no time to say goodbye.
I'm not close to any of my grandparents but she's the closest. She lived in a small village and my parents live in the town. So I only visit her during breaks or festivals. She sometimes visited us with various product she grew by herself. But she never stayed long since the village is what her life is about. When I visited her, she served me all kinds of food and snacks. When I was playing around the village, in the mountain or down the river or in some cousin's house, she would call my name to go home for the next meal. I normally ate 5 or 6 meals at her place per day. Filling grandkids' stomach seemed to be one of her hobbies.
She had 8 kids and was a hard-working mother. Mum told me when she's young, when the hungry year came, grandma did all she could to feed them. She was once a daughter of a good family. But time was once very hard for everyone of her time. I only heard about that but never experienced so I could not tell how hard that is. All I know is she lived through lots' of hard times.
I could not help wondering, what did she look like when she's young? what's a normal day looked like when she's a girl? what's her life's most important days? I would never know. She never went to the school and she had no photos from her young age. I did not talk with her often. Even when we talked, we talked very simply. I was glad I called her this new year. She could not hear me very well then but she finally figured out who I was.
She's gone on a full moon day. She might have gone up to the sky. She might have gone up to where the moonlight comes from. She's going to stay there peacefully watching over her husband and kids.
I'm not close to any of my grandparents but she's the closest. She lived in a small village and my parents live in the town. So I only visit her during breaks or festivals. She sometimes visited us with various product she grew by herself. But she never stayed long since the village is what her life is about. When I visited her, she served me all kinds of food and snacks. When I was playing around the village, in the mountain or down the river or in some cousin's house, she would call my name to go home for the next meal. I normally ate 5 or 6 meals at her place per day. Filling grandkids' stomach seemed to be one of her hobbies.
She had 8 kids and was a hard-working mother. Mum told me when she's young, when the hungry year came, grandma did all she could to feed them. She was once a daughter of a good family. But time was once very hard for everyone of her time. I only heard about that but never experienced so I could not tell how hard that is. All I know is she lived through lots' of hard times.
I could not help wondering, what did she look like when she's young? what's a normal day looked like when she's a girl? what's her life's most important days? I would never know. She never went to the school and she had no photos from her young age. I did not talk with her often. Even when we talked, we talked very simply. I was glad I called her this new year. She could not hear me very well then but she finally figured out who I was.
She's gone on a full moon day. She might have gone up to the sky. She might have gone up to where the moonlight comes from. She's going to stay there peacefully watching over her husband and kids.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Hormones & the New City
DURING the last couple of days I thought I felt the intense loneliness of being alone in a new city. I went to dinner with old high school classmates and their spouses Friday evening. Spent the night with one of the classmates (let's call her A.) and her family. Spent a lovely morning with her, her husband and her lovely children. Then I explored Denver Saturday afternoon. When Sunday rolled by, loneliness lodged in the pit of my stomach like a heavy boulder. I spent most of the morning in bed then willed myself to brave the snow and do some grocery shopping in the afternoon. I hung out at Barnes & Noble to read books I could not afford to buy, and I watched other people and wondered if they were just killing time like me.
I began to question why I was still in the United States in the first place. I missed seeing Asian faces. I missed my friends. I missed the status and the reputation I built back home. I missed the convenience of getting on a tricycle to go to a carenderia to address a food craving and not having to search for ingredients in an expensive Asian grocery or the "authentic foods aisle". I reminded myself that I came to the US for further studies and to see if a relationship would work out and that now I have finished the degree and found out the relationship did not work, why am I still here?
It was a very dark Sunday for me and it stretched on to Monday. I told Ms. C about it. All day long at the office I was mildly grouchy. I closed my office door so I could cry.
And then my period came.
Now I'm a little confused. Was all that darkness just because of my hormones? Or did my PMS enhance feelings lurking deep within my brain? It's the second day of my period now and I'm feeling a little better. However I am still feeling unsettled about being ambushed by my hormones. I know have more empathy for women going through post-partum depression.
Why are women's bodies built that way? Was there some evolutionary use for PMS? What did women gain by these blues? I do not know the answer to these questions. At least not right now.
In the meantime, I will continue to slog through the remaining PMS by taking longer walks during my two breaks and my lunch break. I need to cut myself some slack. It IS difficult moving to a new place and I know that occasional loneliness is natural. I've already make some new friends and I will make more.
I began to question why I was still in the United States in the first place. I missed seeing Asian faces. I missed my friends. I missed the status and the reputation I built back home. I missed the convenience of getting on a tricycle to go to a carenderia to address a food craving and not having to search for ingredients in an expensive Asian grocery or the "authentic foods aisle". I reminded myself that I came to the US for further studies and to see if a relationship would work out and that now I have finished the degree and found out the relationship did not work, why am I still here?
It was a very dark Sunday for me and it stretched on to Monday. I told Ms. C about it. All day long at the office I was mildly grouchy. I closed my office door so I could cry.
And then my period came.
Now I'm a little confused. Was all that darkness just because of my hormones? Or did my PMS enhance feelings lurking deep within my brain? It's the second day of my period now and I'm feeling a little better. However I am still feeling unsettled about being ambushed by my hormones. I know have more empathy for women going through post-partum depression.
Why are women's bodies built that way? Was there some evolutionary use for PMS? What did women gain by these blues? I do not know the answer to these questions. At least not right now.
In the meantime, I will continue to slog through the remaining PMS by taking longer walks during my two breaks and my lunch break. I need to cut myself some slack. It IS difficult moving to a new place and I know that occasional loneliness is natural. I've already make some new friends and I will make more.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
scheduled an interview in duluth/ turned out to be shady
I got a call today. A local insurance company found my resume in monster.com. They encouraged me to apply for a sales management position. I am not sure whether this position suits me. But I scheduled an interview with them on this Friday. We'll see.
My old schoolmate gave me the suggestion that I should update the resume on monster.com every week which is helpful. And the fact that I got this on-site interview also proves location is important- it's always easier to get a on-site interview if you live close to the company.
I know the possibility that I get a long-term job in Duluth is low. But if I do, I will certainly enjoy it.
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I just talked with ex and now I began to highly doubt tomorrow's interview is a scram. He also got an email from this company several days after he put the resume on monster.com. Another local branch of the same company, same description of the same position. It's not like a coincidence.
I've been so happy for this interview. But now it turns out to be funny and ridiculous.
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I googled this company Bankers Life & Casualty company and was confirmed it's a legal but shady company. It's a very captive company. They sent out mass emails to job seekers, persuaded them to several group interviews, and show some fancy numbers. Then they have the job seekers sign an unfair contract. If the job seeker is not careful enough, he/she would be set in. And they don't keep promises. More than 90% of the contractors are gone in one year out of frustration. The company keeps the business without paying high renewal commissions and that's how it makes big money. That's also why they need to recruit so many people. It's true that 10% of the contractor make money since they work really really hard. But a company in which only 10% makes money is abnormal enough.
I canceled the interview and felt really dumb. I should have noticed it's too good to be true.
My old schoolmate gave me the suggestion that I should update the resume on monster.com every week which is helpful. And the fact that I got this on-site interview also proves location is important- it's always easier to get a on-site interview if you live close to the company.
I know the possibility that I get a long-term job in Duluth is low. But if I do, I will certainly enjoy it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I just talked with ex and now I began to highly doubt tomorrow's interview is a scram. He also got an email from this company several days after he put the resume on monster.com. Another local branch of the same company, same description of the same position. It's not like a coincidence.
I've been so happy for this interview. But now it turns out to be funny and ridiculous.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I googled this company Bankers Life & Casualty company and was confirmed it's a legal but shady company. It's a very captive company. They sent out mass emails to job seekers, persuaded them to several group interviews, and show some fancy numbers. Then they have the job seekers sign an unfair contract. If the job seeker is not careful enough, he/she would be set in. And they don't keep promises. More than 90% of the contractors are gone in one year out of frustration. The company keeps the business without paying high renewal commissions and that's how it makes big money. That's also why they need to recruit so many people. It's true that 10% of the contractor make money since they work really really hard. But a company in which only 10% makes money is abnormal enough.
I canceled the interview and felt really dumb. I should have noticed it's too good to be true.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
First Car
AFTER many nights and weekends of searching for the best, most fuel efficient, most roomy, most inexpensive used AWD vehicle not any older than 8 years old, I have realized there is no such thing. I decided to up my budget and go for a 5-year old used vehicle with a decent mileage, excellent safety ratings and over-all forever-car staying power. So, i am getting myself a Volvo.
All this time I was considering Subarus, Toyotas and Hondas. But I realized that Subarus are so in demand here that decent used ones cost more than a brand new Toyota Yaris. And Toyotas and Hondas were just hard to come by on Craigslist and even more expensive in dealerships. But then, Thursday last weekn, I went out for drinks with some officemates of mine. We went to the Purple Martini to just hang out with an off-site colleague who was in town for our monthly pubs meeting.
I had a Purple Martini and it was goooood! This is big coming from me because I am not a big drinker. I had one martini and that was enough to make me just a tad tipsy. I hitched a ride with my editor and I asked her about her car, which was an early 1990s Volvo station wagon. I just loved the leather seats. And I don't know if it was the alcohol, but I was so comfy sitting there. I glanced back and the storage area was roomy. I have always wanted a vehicle with a roomy storage area. Blame it on Kong Gerry and his monster tiger-striped jeep. That evening, in my very empty apartment, I looked for used Volvo station wagons and found that the credit union dealership I planned on visiting the next day had three Volvo Station wagons.
***
"Howard" was the first and only car we took for a test drive that day. I was with my friends Aida and Jong both of whom have more driving and car-buying experience than I ever had. Aida and Jong have had the habit of naming their cars after the dealer who sold it to them. I think it's kinda cute, so now I call my car Howard.
After driving it for a bit, I let Jong drive and watched his reactions. I figured, if he likes the way the car responds then that is a good enough gauge for me. Also, I wanted to fiddle with the many doohickies and doodads the car had, like separate temperature controls for the different seats, testing the CD player, and the dashboard cupholder that emerged at the push of a panel.
I let Aida test drive the car too. Aida and Jong both loved the car, maybe as much or even more than I did. So that settled it. I had seen many cars and I wanted this one. I began the paper work Friday and I finish it and pick up the car tomorrow.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
An Update from Ms. N!
WHAT can I say? I have been remiss in posting in this blog since starting my new job and moving to Colorado. There are many things I want to share, all of which cannot fit in one entry. Let me just say, adjusting to a new job and moving to a new city, these are a whole new different challenge. When I started my job hunt, it was intimidating and seemed su7ch a lot of work. Then I learned from my mistakes, developed a strategy, and kept refining it after each interview. Now, my challenge is to make a life for myself here in Colorado. It helps that I like my job, my place of work and the place that I live in. Still, it's been so expensive starting out again. I miss my creature comforts. I also have been looking for a used car I can afford and although I would like to take my time with this decision, I feel pressure to find one soon because winter is coming.
I am sad that Ms. C has decided to return to Indonesia. But I also understand that this is what she wants. I'm looking forward to visiting her in Singapore one day :) I also spoke to Ms. W yesterday. A voice from Duluth! I see that Ms. W has been posting a lot and I'm excited to read all her entries.
That's all for now. There will be more!
I am sad that Ms. C has decided to return to Indonesia. But I also understand that this is what she wants. I'm looking forward to visiting her in Singapore one day :) I also spoke to Ms. W yesterday. A voice from Duluth! I see that Ms. W has been posting a lot and I'm excited to read all her entries.
That's all for now. There will be more!
Monday, October 8, 2007
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Interview, frisbee, and random thinking
My first interview can't be worse. The interviewer is a middle aged woman from mayo clinic named Ms Fett. She said 6 years ago she changed from technique position to a management position. She let me introduce myself a bit first. So I began to talk my background and experience in using software. She then stopped me, asked how many interviews I had had and said she wanna I just answer her questions.
Then she asked my to give an example of overcoming some tough problems. I began to describe a theoretical problem and she asked the practical use. I gave some ambiguous guessing and she's not happy.
Then she asked me to give an example of avoiding some problems by paying attention to details. I had no clue how to answer that and came up something she said which is totally not at the point.
At last she want me to give an example again, about I did something above my motivation level. I gave an example during my teaching assistant experience. She's finally satisfied with me once.
Surprisingly she gave me a lot of feedback and interviewing tips. It seems someone in career services talked with her and she did it as charity. I at least realized the improving space of my interview skill is much much wider than I thought.
___________________________________________________________________
Yesterday there's a campus Frisbee game, and I surprisingly saw Stu in the opponent team. I did not wear my glasses then, but I realized more and more familiar faces in that team: Jessie, Missy, Danial, Jason and more. I played with them all June and July in Grand Field! I thought I can hardly see them after the summer ended. Now I saw them again. I felt so happy. I know them better even than my own teammates.
They had a big and up beating team. They had a team song, they all wore short skirts(including guys of course, Jason even gave a round dance when I praised his nice shirt), they even had a ceremony during the middle which reminded my some religious gestures.
Our team adore simple and neat. We just play as hard as we can. We scored first and they caught up closely. I knew how good they are, but I underestimated my teammates. We were even better. We were always 1 or 2 points ahead of them.
During the second half, they fought back. They scored consecutively and was 2 scores ahead. We scored again. And the game ended as 9:10. But we will definitely meet them again. Since both of our teams never lost. And they said they never win that hard.
On the way back, Karla suggested me enter her team in spring. I told her I will be done in December. I had never felt that regretful for leaving the campus soon. I finally found my game here, but I had to leave. And those friends, I hope I can stay here for tens of years and play Frisbee with them. A little blue.
___________________________________________________________________
I just decided to show my birthday including my birth year in the facebook and something happened. Some guy who used to sent me messages stopped doing that. I was not sure whether he suddenly became busy or he just found out I'm older than he expected and lost interest to talk to me. I never hide my age. He just made bad judgments from my appearances. I don't wanna be bothered by some guy who's bothered by my age.
Then she asked my to give an example of overcoming some tough problems. I began to describe a theoretical problem and she asked the practical use. I gave some ambiguous guessing and she's not happy.
Then she asked me to give an example of avoiding some problems by paying attention to details. I had no clue how to answer that and came up something she said which is totally not at the point.
At last she want me to give an example again, about I did something above my motivation level. I gave an example during my teaching assistant experience. She's finally satisfied with me once.
Surprisingly she gave me a lot of feedback and interviewing tips. It seems someone in career services talked with her and she did it as charity. I at least realized the improving space of my interview skill is much much wider than I thought.
___________________________________________________________________
Yesterday there's a campus Frisbee game, and I surprisingly saw Stu in the opponent team. I did not wear my glasses then, but I realized more and more familiar faces in that team: Jessie, Missy, Danial, Jason and more. I played with them all June and July in Grand Field! I thought I can hardly see them after the summer ended. Now I saw them again. I felt so happy. I know them better even than my own teammates.
They had a big and up beating team. They had a team song, they all wore short skirts(including guys of course, Jason even gave a round dance when I praised his nice shirt), they even had a ceremony during the middle which reminded my some religious gestures.
Our team adore simple and neat. We just play as hard as we can. We scored first and they caught up closely. I knew how good they are, but I underestimated my teammates. We were even better. We were always 1 or 2 points ahead of them.
During the second half, they fought back. They scored consecutively and was 2 scores ahead. We scored again. And the game ended as 9:10. But we will definitely meet them again. Since both of our teams never lost. And they said they never win that hard.
On the way back, Karla suggested me enter her team in spring. I told her I will be done in December. I had never felt that regretful for leaving the campus soon. I finally found my game here, but I had to leave. And those friends, I hope I can stay here for tens of years and play Frisbee with them. A little blue.
___________________________________________________________________
I just decided to show my birthday including my birth year in the facebook and something happened. Some guy who used to sent me messages stopped doing that. I was not sure whether he suddenly became busy or he just found out I'm older than he expected and lost interest to talk to me. I never hide my age. He just made bad judgments from my appearances. I don't wanna be bothered by some guy who's bothered by my age.
An Update from Ms. C!!
You're not dreaming, I am alive! Aside from not posting, I also did not check this blog since I arrived in Saint Cloud. But today, I opened it and read Ms. W's posts and wow! W, I want to be able to express my feelings in words like what you did! And so I feel the urge to write today.
Being back in St. Cloud was a blast. Being able to talk to my sister, face to face, everyday is what I like. You see, I'm bad at keeping contact with people when I don't see them in person. So W, N, forgive me for my act of disappearing. You just need to call or email me when that happens. Anyway, back to the story, St. Cloud means social life for me. I get to be involved in the Indonesian Student Organization meetings and events. In fact, November 3rd is Indonesian Grand Kitchen. So we're "busy preparing" for the event. (Or should I say, we're busy talking about the event. The action comes much later since we like to procrastinate.)
Oh, and I also exercise twice a week now. My sister is taking her required PE class this semester so I took advantage and said I wanted to join her. That means badminton games every Monday and Wednesday. Fun!
Onto the BIG news, I decided to get a job in Singapore. And that means I'm going home to Jakarta at the end of November. This is not because I cannot get a job in the US. I know I can if I really try. The thing is, I really can't stand being away from my family. My 6 years in the US, the happiest times were those when it was decided that I was going home for Summer holidays. I finally convinced my parents that while I might be wasting an opportunity of having a life in the US, I will be happier there, closer to the people I cared about.
So yeah, big step in my life. And this is probably my first decision that I made myself, ever. Going to school, it was always clear where I would go next. From elementary school, to junior high, to senior high, no questions asked. Then my parents said it's good to study in the US, so I went. Then people said it's better to just continue with grad school and I went. This time, I'm going against a lot of reasons. Scarry!!!
Monday, October 1, 2007
A drunk and truth telling and echoing night
I never knew S was that lonely and insecure under his cool and playful appearance until last Saturday. We had a poker night at C's place. There were 9 other people there. 10 of us were playing poker with 5 bucks bet per person. S took 1 bottle of 50% degree alcohol along. He sat beside K1 with a ring from her boyfriend in the ring finger. They were close. K2, the girl who's sitting beside, also sat at sol's thigh and played poker for a while. I did not really care. It was just hard to ignore. And he got drunk as usual. K1 used to drink with him. But she had to drive on that day so she's in sober.
He began to blur and pour alcohol on the table and win or lose bet by not looking at the cards. Then he stumbled to look for bathroom. C helped him get into it and he grabbed the toilet seat and vomited, again and again. Half an hour passed, he's in the bathroom; 1 hour passed, he's still there. K1 entered there and I heard he began murmuring. I was very curious so I also entered the bathroom and asked K1 whether she minded my sitting beside her. (It was a bit impolite, though. I would use the bottle of beer as an excuse.)
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He's murmuring life is bullshit and everything is bullshit. I never saw he's that depressed before. I felt I was taking advantage of him but could not control myself to ask, 'what's the problems of your life?'. He said, everyone's leaving him, his life is about moving, the longest friend he has is M for 2 years. That's true, his parents are always changing working locations so he never stayed at one place for more than 4 years except Duluth. K1 and I comforted him that leaving does not mean losing. But he argued leaving is losing, because people are changing, when they're around, you involved your friends' changing; after their leaving, there's no way to do that and you lose them.
He almost convinced me. I felt it sometimes. No more common topics with old friends, and lose interest to call each other and become alienated: I experienced this even though I rarely move. He must have felt this strongly since he moves every 2 or 3 years and American culture encourages moving on. And he told me before once he was attached to a girl but she refused to see him and turned down his every contacting. He must have been deeply hurt then. After that he's very good at being unattached to girls. But deeply in his heart, he still wants to hold on to someone, something.
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'Girls', he said, 'someone said girls like me, that's not true. they like me for what? they like me for who I'm not. They expected me to be funny, cool, good looking. But I'm not. Look who I am, I'm not good at anything. There's always someone better. Girls always want me to be someone else. But I'm an asshole.' K1 said, 'No, S, you have sense of humor.' And I said, 'Ya, you are an asshole.'
I was pretty amazed to see he speaks so cogently drunk. He's right at some level. Why I like him? Because he's cool, funny, smart, and not bad looking. And I expect him to be always like that. I also expected him to be loyal and then gave up. Why I have the right to push him to be someone else just because I like him? But if I don't care about him, I would just neglect him. He's insecure. Though he gets a lot right now. He's not sure whether he can always be like that. And when he's not cool, funny, smart, and becomes old, how many people will still like him?
Again I was familiar with this. Once a guy sent me txts saying he likes me. He said I was like sunshine and was his smiling angle. What if I was not sunshine any more? What if I was dragged down by lots of problems and could not put smiles in my face any more? What if I was not pretty any more? And he replied, you're always be. I was disappointed. He just wanted to be with me when I'm up-beat and young and pretty, not when I'm weak and old and ugly. And that day will come. How can I be secure to spend long time with him?
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'In my life, I am always told, 'you're smart' and 'you should be better, better'. But I can't. I'm average, though I hate to be average. Look who I am, what I am good at. Maybe math, but there are tons of smarter mathematicians there. I'm good at nothing, nothing. I'm not a good fighter, I'm not good looking enough, ..., I can't live up to expectations. I wanna success in sth, anything, I don't care what it is...my life goes to nowhere...'
Again, familiar feelings. A school kid who gets high scores in school, and is praised to be 'smart', and expected to be successful in the future, and has illusions that would happen as a reward to good school performance. But the society doesn't really care about our glorious past and beats us heavily. It's even stressful to get a real job. Graduate school is like a rescue boat. But what after? Still hard to tell. The future is like a small boat in vast stormy oceans. Exactly, goes to nowhere.
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He also said a lot of other words he would never say when he's in sober. I began to understand he needs alcohol because he's bottled up tightly in sober to be a cool, smart and funny person. The alcohol gives him chance to be reasonably stupid and weak and open. In fact, I felt he's more wise when he's drunk. He even knew it was unfair: K1 and I both were in sober but he's drunk. And I also understood why he needs K1. I don't drink. He needs drunk friends to talk to when he's drunk. I don't need alcohol to be open. I think it's good but I feel a bit regretful.
He began to blur and pour alcohol on the table and win or lose bet by not looking at the cards. Then he stumbled to look for bathroom. C helped him get into it and he grabbed the toilet seat and vomited, again and again. Half an hour passed, he's in the bathroom; 1 hour passed, he's still there. K1 entered there and I heard he began murmuring. I was very curious so I also entered the bathroom and asked K1 whether she minded my sitting beside her. (It was a bit impolite, though. I would use the bottle of beer as an excuse.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He's murmuring life is bullshit and everything is bullshit. I never saw he's that depressed before. I felt I was taking advantage of him but could not control myself to ask, 'what's the problems of your life?'. He said, everyone's leaving him, his life is about moving, the longest friend he has is M for 2 years. That's true, his parents are always changing working locations so he never stayed at one place for more than 4 years except Duluth. K1 and I comforted him that leaving does not mean losing. But he argued leaving is losing, because people are changing, when they're around, you involved your friends' changing; after their leaving, there's no way to do that and you lose them.
He almost convinced me. I felt it sometimes. No more common topics with old friends, and lose interest to call each other and become alienated: I experienced this even though I rarely move. He must have felt this strongly since he moves every 2 or 3 years and American culture encourages moving on. And he told me before once he was attached to a girl but she refused to see him and turned down his every contacting. He must have been deeply hurt then. After that he's very good at being unattached to girls. But deeply in his heart, he still wants to hold on to someone, something.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Girls', he said, 'someone said girls like me, that's not true. they like me for what? they like me for who I'm not. They expected me to be funny, cool, good looking. But I'm not. Look who I am, I'm not good at anything. There's always someone better. Girls always want me to be someone else. But I'm an asshole.' K1 said, 'No, S, you have sense of humor.' And I said, 'Ya, you are an asshole.'
I was pretty amazed to see he speaks so cogently drunk. He's right at some level. Why I like him? Because he's cool, funny, smart, and not bad looking. And I expect him to be always like that. I also expected him to be loyal and then gave up. Why I have the right to push him to be someone else just because I like him? But if I don't care about him, I would just neglect him. He's insecure. Though he gets a lot right now. He's not sure whether he can always be like that. And when he's not cool, funny, smart, and becomes old, how many people will still like him?
Again I was familiar with this. Once a guy sent me txts saying he likes me. He said I was like sunshine and was his smiling angle. What if I was not sunshine any more? What if I was dragged down by lots of problems and could not put smiles in my face any more? What if I was not pretty any more? And he replied, you're always be. I was disappointed. He just wanted to be with me when I'm up-beat and young and pretty, not when I'm weak and old and ugly. And that day will come. How can I be secure to spend long time with him?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'In my life, I am always told, 'you're smart' and 'you should be better, better'. But I can't. I'm average, though I hate to be average. Look who I am, what I am good at. Maybe math, but there are tons of smarter mathematicians there. I'm good at nothing, nothing. I'm not a good fighter, I'm not good looking enough, ..., I can't live up to expectations. I wanna success in sth, anything, I don't care what it is...my life goes to nowhere...'
Again, familiar feelings. A school kid who gets high scores in school, and is praised to be 'smart', and expected to be successful in the future, and has illusions that would happen as a reward to good school performance. But the society doesn't really care about our glorious past and beats us heavily. It's even stressful to get a real job. Graduate school is like a rescue boat. But what after? Still hard to tell. The future is like a small boat in vast stormy oceans. Exactly, goes to nowhere.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He also said a lot of other words he would never say when he's in sober. I began to understand he needs alcohol because he's bottled up tightly in sober to be a cool, smart and funny person. The alcohol gives him chance to be reasonably stupid and weak and open. In fact, I felt he's more wise when he's drunk. He even knew it was unfair: K1 and I both were in sober but he's drunk. And I also understood why he needs K1. I don't drink. He needs drunk friends to talk to when he's drunk. I don't need alcohol to be open. I think it's good but I feel a bit regretful.
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