A drunk and truth telling and echoing night

I never knew S was that lonely and insecure under his cool and playful appearance until last Saturday. We had a poker night at C's place. There were 9 other people there. 10 of us were playing poker with 5 bucks bet per person. S took 1 bottle of 50% degree alcohol along. He sat beside K1 with a ring from her boyfriend in the ring finger. They were close. K2, the girl who's sitting beside, also sat at sol's thigh and played poker for a while. I did not really care. It was just hard to ignore. And he got drunk as usual. K1 used to drink with him. But she had to drive on that day so she's in sober.

He began to blur and pour alcohol on the table and win or lose bet by not looking at the cards. Then he stumbled to look for bathroom. C helped him get into it and he grabbed the toilet seat and vomited, again and again. Half an hour passed, he's in the bathroom; 1 hour passed, he's still there. K1 entered there and I heard he began murmuring. I was very curious so I also entered the bathroom and asked K1 whether she minded my sitting beside her. (It was a bit impolite, though. I would use the bottle of beer as an excuse.)

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He's murmuring life is bullshit and everything is bullshit. I never saw he's that depressed before. I felt I was taking advantage of him but could not control myself to ask, 'what's the problems of your life?'. He said, everyone's leaving him, his life is about moving, the longest friend he has is M for 2 years. That's true, his parents are always changing working locations so he never stayed at one place for more than 4 years except Duluth. K1 and I comforted him that leaving does not mean losing. But he argued leaving is losing, because people are changing, when they're around, you involved your friends' changing; after their leaving, there's no way to do that and you lose them.

He almost convinced me. I felt it sometimes. No more common topics with old friends, and lose interest to call each other and become alienated: I experienced this even though I rarely move. He must have felt this strongly since he moves every 2 or 3 years and American culture encourages moving on. And he told me before once he was attached to a girl but she refused to see him and turned down his every contacting. He must have been deeply hurt then. After that he's very good at being unattached to girls. But deeply in his heart, he still wants to hold on to someone, something.

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'Girls', he said, 'someone said girls like me, that's not true. they like me for what? they like me for who I'm not. They expected me to be funny, cool, good looking. But I'm not. Look who I am, I'm not good at anything. There's always someone better. Girls always want me to be someone else. But I'm an asshole.' K1 said, 'No, S, you have sense of humor.' And I said, 'Ya, you are an asshole.'

I was pretty amazed to see he speaks so cogently drunk. He's right at some level. Why I like him? Because he's cool, funny, smart, and not bad looking. And I expect him to be always like that. I also expected him to be loyal and then gave up. Why I have the right to push him to be someone else just because I like him? But if I don't care about him, I would just neglect him. He's insecure. Though he gets a lot right now. He's not sure whether he can always be like that. And when he's not cool, funny, smart, and becomes old, how many people will still like him?

Again I was familiar with this. Once a guy sent me txts saying he likes me. He said I was like sunshine and was his smiling angle. What if I was not sunshine any more? What if I was dragged down by lots of problems and could not put smiles in my face any more? What if I was not pretty any more? And he replied, you're always be. I was disappointed. He just wanted to be with me when I'm up-beat and young and pretty, not when I'm weak and old and ugly. And that day will come. How can I be secure to spend long time with him?

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'In my life, I am always told, 'you're smart' and 'you should be better, better'. But I can't. I'm average, though I hate to be average. Look who I am, what I am good at. Maybe math, but there are tons of smarter mathematicians there. I'm good at nothing, nothing. I'm not a good fighter, I'm not good looking enough, ..., I can't live up to expectations. I wanna success in sth, anything, I don't care what it is...my life goes to nowhere...'

Again, familiar feelings. A school kid who gets high scores in school, and is praised to be 'smart', and expected to be successful in the future, and has illusions that would happen as a reward to good school performance. But the society doesn't really care about our glorious past and beats us heavily. It's even stressful to get a real job. Graduate school is like a rescue boat. But what after? Still hard to tell. The future is like a small boat in vast stormy oceans. Exactly, goes to nowhere.

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He also said a lot of other words he would never say when he's in sober. I began to understand he needs alcohol because he's bottled up tightly in sober to be a cool, smart and funny person. The alcohol gives him chance to be reasonably stupid and weak and open. In fact, I felt he's more wise when he's drunk. He even knew it was unfair: K1 and I both were in sober but he's drunk. And I also understood why he needs K1. I don't drink. He needs drunk friends to talk to when he's drunk. I don't need alcohol to be open. I think it's good but I feel a bit regretful.