Hormones & the New City

DURING the last couple of days I thought I felt the intense loneliness of being alone in a new city. I went to dinner with old high school classmates and their spouses Friday evening. Spent the night with one of the classmates (let's call her A.) and her family. Spent a lovely morning with her, her husband and her lovely children. Then I explored Denver Saturday afternoon. When Sunday rolled by, loneliness lodged in the pit of my stomach like a heavy boulder. I spent most of the morning in bed then willed myself to brave the snow and do some grocery shopping in the afternoon. I hung out at Barnes & Noble to read books I could not afford to buy, and I watched other people and wondered if they were just killing time like me.

I began to question why I was still in the United States in the first place. I missed seeing Asian faces. I missed my friends. I missed the status and the reputation I built back home. I missed the convenience of getting on a tricycle to go to a carenderia to address a food craving and not having to search for ingredients in an expensive Asian grocery or the "authentic foods aisle". I reminded myself that I came to the US for further studies and to see if a relationship would work out and that now I have finished the degree and found out the relationship did not work, why am I still here?

It was a very dark Sunday for me and it stretched on to Monday. I told Ms. C about it. All day long at the office I was mildly grouchy. I closed my office door so I could cry.

And then my period came.

Now I'm a little confused. Was all that darkness just because of my hormones? Or did my PMS enhance feelings lurking deep within my brain? It's the second day of my period now and I'm feeling a little better. However I am still feeling unsettled about being ambushed by my hormones. I know have more empathy for women going through post-partum depression.

Why are women's bodies built that way? Was there some evolutionary use for PMS? What did women gain by these blues? I do not know the answer to these questions. At least not right now.


In the meantime, I will continue to slog through the remaining PMS by taking longer walks during my two breaks and my lunch break. I need to cut myself some slack. It IS difficult moving to a new place and I know that occasional loneliness is natural. I've already make some new friends and I will make more.