I have no regrets! (Or may I say, I should have no regrets...)

Hello friends in the US,

so, what does change feel like? Everyone must be full of anticipation over there. Heh... what am I talking about, everyone IS full of anticipation all aroudn the world!

Our local newspaper here put huge Obama picture on the front page. His profile was broadcasted on TV. People talked and still talks about him. I even heard a rumour about a house that he lived in when he was a child in Menteng, Jakarta, that someone offered to buy the house for 150 million rupiah (a really big sum of money in our country) but was rejected.

Okay, enough about the new US president-elect. I was going to talk about change. Deciding to have change for me means going towards the unknown. A really frightening journey. Good change, or we-think-it-is-good change holds great expectation. We start thinking what awesome things we're going to get with the change.

But what if the outcome isn't as good as we'd like it to be? Dissapointment, frustration, and all things that sometimes can make us dwell in the past. We'll start thinking, 'I wish I can go back through time.' Making us unable to enjoy the moment, be it good or bad. And when we've realized that we've drowned in self pity for too long, we have missed so much.

So from now on, the phrase 'I have no regrets' should be our slogan. People make mistakes. From those mistakes, we learn something, unfortunately the hard way. But still, we learn something. The way I see it, change is a good thing. When the change gives positive outcome, good for us. On the contrary, when it gives negative outcomes, be strong to take responsibility for the decisions we've made.

A post written when a nostalgic feeling came up while flipping through pictures of the US.

Stairs

In an attempt to leading a healthy lifestyle, I was determined to take the stairs instead of the elevator in the morning when I get to my office. I thought this was a good idea since I usually arrived an hour before the work hour started so nobody would see me look miserable after climbing the stairs.

So today I was going to start. I thought maybe 5 floors would be fine for day 1. I couldn't find the stairway entry on the 1st floor, so I took the elevator to the third floor and took the emergency stairway from there. Before closing the door, I checked if I can get out. Everything was fine, I let go of the door handle, and start climbing upstairs. When I got to the 8th floor, I thought, "only two more floors, I can do it!" But on the 9th, I decided I'll stop for today. Turned out, the door was locked!

I remember my friends opening the emergency exit door in front of my office one day so I thought 10th floor wouldn't be locked. So I forced myself up one more floor. No luck! I felt so miserable, and scared too. What if those doors were locked from the inside... Who should I call? I don't know the building maintenance number. My office mate wouldn't arrive any minute soon. I started climbing down the stairs and trying the door one by one. Thank God, door on the 4th floor could be opened.

Now I'm having a weak knee.... Boy, being healthy is full of challenges!!

What's up with Ms. C

So, I'm finally writing again after some time. I actually have lots of things to write but I'm not sure how I should write it down. But I promised Ms. N on my email that I will write what had happened during my longgggg~~~~ hiatus.

So let's see... The last time I wrote, I think I was happy that I was considered by a big shot company in Texas. That was late October. However, that consideration actually turned out to be a painful tiny hope I was clutching into. When I contacted the company, they told me to wait and if I'm still available for the job when they're ready for me, I would be offered a job there. In the end, they didn't say no to me but I decided to make a decision since every time I talked to the contact person, it always ended with another waiting time I have to endure. Imagine, I had bought my flight ticket home for November when they called the first time and resulted in me refunding my ticket (minus some cancellation fee). And then every two weeks I followed up with no good news. Early January I thought to just forget about it and move on. So I set up my going home for February.

So, back to Jakarta, I started my application for PR in Singapore. I also sent a couple of resumes off without expecting that I'd get an interview call. I was targeting to move to Singapore anyway. However in May, I got called for an interview, went for it and got the job, and received news that my PR application had been approved.

Since I had 1 year to secure a job in Singapore, I decided to take the job in Jakarta first as my stepping stone before going to Singapore and look for a job there, considering it might take a while to secure a job offer if I go directly to Singapore anyway. I thought the experience would be good since I had no office experience before.

I think it was a pretty good decision. I'm enjoying my work more and more now. I wonder if I could get away with negotiating with my boss if my status can be made to Singaporean employee assigned in Jakarta in the future. See, my company is a Singapore based company. But with only entry level position, I doubt that could push through. =p Just a wishful thinking though.

I think that's it for now, I'll promise myself to write more about my story in Jakarta.

Updates

TODAY is the 26th day of January, year 2008. Ms. W is in Stony Brook, New York to begin a second masters degree. She just moved into a new place where she shares a dorm apartment with another Chinese student and two Indian students. Ms. C was informed that there was no funding for a new position in the large IT company that interviewed her and she is now preparing to return to Indonesia and planning on looking for work in Singapore. And I have settled into somewhat of a routine at work and am starting to make new friends and seeing possibly new adventures here in the Denver area.

No longer scared of weekends

I have lived in my one-bedroom apartment for about four months. I still have no major furniture, like a bed or sofa. But little by little it's starting to feel like home. No longer do I feel the need to fill my weekends with activities so I won't be lonely in my apartment. I don't dread weekends or holidays as much. I know that if I plan ahead, I could have at least one adventure per weekend, whether it be seeing a new museum, going to a meet up, spending time with other Filipinos or maybe dragging J off to see a movie. I also feel now that there are warm mornings when I don't want to be outdoors. All I want to do is take it easy at home, putter around and lounge with the cats, like I am doing now.

Still, I'll admit that it is a challenge to make new friends when you're new in any city. However, I feel it is easier here in the Boulder-Denver area than it was for me during my short stay with family in Las Vegas. There are more people my age in this area than in Las Vegas. There are also more varieties of people in different lines of work. Now, it's true that Las Vegas is more diverse. But then when I was there, it just seemed that too many people were in the real estate industry.

When one seeks the company of strangers-who-could-be-future-friends

Yesterday I went to a "meet up". I'm registered in a website called meetup.com and chose different activity categories. I had gone twice to my Denver museum meet up and liked the time I spent with other museum-goers. Last night, it was the northern Denver group and the scheduled activity was a stand up comedy show. I met a woman named Nancy, a guy named Shawn and a couple whose names I have forgotten. I thought there wouldn't be much time for socialization, but Nancy, Shawn and I got to chat before the show started. I like them both a lot. They seemed nice and genuinely pleasant people. The comedy show was very good too. All three comics. The opener, the featured comic and the main attraction (who happened to be the writer for "Cow and Chicken", a favorite cartoon of mine in Nickelodeon). I wasn't really in the mood for going to the bar next door after the show finished. Neither were Nancy and Shawn. But I guess the odd part was how the goodbyes were awkward. You chat all evening, get to know their jobs and likes and even some bits of their personal philosophies and then after that you never really know if you're going to see them again. My Filipino self wanted to ask for their contact details. But I have lived here long enough to know that sometimes first meetings are like that...and sometimes they aren't.

Still, I felt a certain connection with Shawn and I wonder if it's because his ethnicity is Asian. I didn't ask him where his family was originally from because, from his accent, he sound like he was born and raised in the US. But some of his humor and his manners where somewhat Filipino. It's a kind of humor or carino I also associate with men who grew up in my province. He flatters, but in an endearing and non-threatening way.

I also felt a certain disconnect at his very, very American accent. An Asian face and a non-specific but nonetheless pronounced American drawl. It as a combination I felt I was resisting or even rejecting.

No OPT for second master && 3 phone interviews

I found I made a huge mistake before today- I am not able to get OPT if I quit the second master. I supposed I could. How stupid I was! I felt really dumb since I've been here for 2 and half years and never paid much attention on visa issues which should be my main concern.
I made a big decision and it was based on false assumptions.

Luckily UMD has not released my I-20 number yet and I did not graduate in December due to the thesis. The release date for my I-20 is on Thursday. I have 1 day left to decide whether I want to continue a second master degree or not.

If I choose to apply OPT on this last day, I can get the next in February and the H1B quota will run out pretty soon after April 1st. It's highly impossible to find a company to support me during that two-month period. But I can change back to F-1 student status in Fall and thus save tuition for one semester. I can gain one year working experience but have to prepare to go back to school by next spring. It's hard to go back home and come back to US again while holding an OPT which means I can't go home for consecutive 3 years.

If I choose to continue on a second master degree, I wasted this one-year OPT and have to pay at least this semester's tuition, or even the whole 2 years' tuition since it's hard to get financial support if I only pursue a master degree. But I can apply for CPT during the summer. Unless some company agrees to give me sponsorship by April and wait me until October to work, I won't get H1B this year. So hopefully next year October I can start working. Between this period, I am free to go back home and us.

So my decision is still: I am going to pursue a second master in SUNY at Stony Brook by family financial support.

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It's amazing that I got 3 phone interviews during this week. I sent out the resumes in early Novembers and did not hear a word from those actuarial companies during December. So I just gave up. And now they came together. Do they follow a common schedule?

But 2 of 3 are full-time positions which I am not able to do under my current status. So I am just going to use them as practice. The first phone interview was scheduled 2pm this afternoon. I was so nervous that I did not sleep much last night. But I was totally in sober today without coffee. I prepared a list of problems and practiced with Ran. She's so helpful. Ms. N also gave me some great suggestions previously.

I did anything that can keep me busy during the last hour. Finally the call came, I was asked the following questions:
Do you willing to relocate?
What's your expecting lowest salary?
what's your highest degree?
how many actuary exams did you past?
Can you give me an example of miscommunicate?
Which excel skills do you use? do you know ...?
Which computer skills do you have?
e.t.

I felt better than I did during last interview with the Mayo Clinic woman. But they were two different kinds of jobs, maybe I can't compare them like this. I could not perform well while giving some answers. Any way, this is my first step. There's a long way to go.

I schedule the second one on Wednesday and the third on on 29th. It seems a job hunting season.

Done school in Duluth

I felt like a super women in the last week. I finished 2 exams, 2 final projects, 4 homeworks , and passed the defense. I stayed up until morning for 3 days and drank 2 cups of coffee per day(I used to only drink water.). I also attended 5 parties, 2 alcohol and 3 non-alcohol.

Hooray! Now I am excited about the moving. Happy holidays, Ms N& Ms C!
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It's been 6 days after I started packing. And it seems I will never finish packing. I got around 20 used boxes from walmart last Saturday. It was today that I noticed these boxes originally were for diapers or underpants... T_T
I began to imagine my friend's expression when he received the boxes.

Giving thanks in a New City

IT did not occur to me earlier, but I now realize that I was lucky to move to a place where an old friend already lives. A. and I were not in the same groups or barkadas in grade school or high school. We were classmates once or twice. But I guess the fact that we all knew each other and practically grew up with each other has made it easy for us to pick up where we left off and improve from there.

This Thanksgiving holiday I cooked the turkey for A's family and met her other friends and family during a lunchtime party. I met her younger brothers and sisters and their spouses and children. I met her friends who were all very warm and welcoming. I also got to spend time with her kids who are just adorable. G is this endearing 18-month old, huggable and always a joy. K is an intelligent and pilya 6-year-old. I remember spending a lot of time helping out in the kitchen, aside from doing the cooking, because I really wanted to help out with the cleaning and also because I just wanted to keep moving. This is probably a remnant habit from my barista days. I also remember not really wanting to socialize much with her friend's Caucasian husbands. Was I selfish to just want to have an easy day talking to people from my country and speaking my language? I wondered that briefly, but didn't really care much to exert an effort to be magnanimous that day.

In the evening, I we all went to this wonderfully large party, where there was karaoke. On the table were dishes from home I hadn't had since I left in 2004. I had to restrain myself from taking more of my favorites because I knew other guests deserved to have a taste too. But it was so hard!

It occurred to me that if A. were not in Denver, I would have probably been invited by an officemate, or I would probably have flown to Las Vegas. But I was grateful to be part of this particular community through my friend. I know I've been here in the US for quite a while, but this was one of those moments where I fully understood the importance of friends and family in a new city.

The United States will always be primarily a foreign land to me with customs and social norms I am still trying to understand. But it is always nice to have a piece of home with you through friends. Specially those who have known you for a long, long time.

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG

I just got an email from one of the employer that I thought had forgotten about me asking if I am still available for employment. And because I was at school all day, helping out the Indonesian Student Organization selling tickets for the coming Indonesian Kitchen, without internet access, I just checked my email after the work hour is over. Darn it. I would have to wait until tomorrow to really know whether I will have good news. But nevertheless, I'm so psyched!!!!!!!!!

Grandma

My grandma was gone last week. She tripped over some rock and got a stroke. It happened suddenly and I had no time to say goodbye.

I'm not close to any of my grandparents but she's the closest. She lived in a small village and my parents live in the town. So I only visit her during breaks or festivals. She sometimes visited us with various product she grew by herself. But she never stayed long since the village is what her life is about. When I visited her, she served me all kinds of food and snacks. When I was playing around the village, in the mountain or down the river or in some cousin's house, she would call my name to go home for the next meal. I normally ate 5 or 6 meals at her place per day. Filling grandkids' stomach seemed to be one of her hobbies.

She had 8 kids and was a hard-working mother. Mum told me when she's young, when the hungry year came, grandma did all she could to feed them. She was once a daughter of a good family. But time was once very hard for everyone of her time. I only heard about that but never experienced so I could not tell how hard that is. All I know is she lived through lots' of hard times.

I could not help wondering, what did she look like when she's young? what's a normal day looked like when she's a girl? what's her life's most important days? I would never know. She never went to the school and she had no photos from her young age. I did not talk with her often. Even when we talked, we talked very simply. I was glad I called her this new year. She could not hear me very well then but she finally figured out who I was.

She's gone on a full moon day. She might have gone up to the sky. She might have gone up to where the moonlight comes from. She's going to stay there peacefully watching over her husband and kids.

Hormones & the New City

DURING the last couple of days I thought I felt the intense loneliness of being alone in a new city. I went to dinner with old high school classmates and their spouses Friday evening. Spent the night with one of the classmates (let's call her A.) and her family. Spent a lovely morning with her, her husband and her lovely children. Then I explored Denver Saturday afternoon. When Sunday rolled by, loneliness lodged in the pit of my stomach like a heavy boulder. I spent most of the morning in bed then willed myself to brave the snow and do some grocery shopping in the afternoon. I hung out at Barnes & Noble to read books I could not afford to buy, and I watched other people and wondered if they were just killing time like me.

I began to question why I was still in the United States in the first place. I missed seeing Asian faces. I missed my friends. I missed the status and the reputation I built back home. I missed the convenience of getting on a tricycle to go to a carenderia to address a food craving and not having to search for ingredients in an expensive Asian grocery or the "authentic foods aisle". I reminded myself that I came to the US for further studies and to see if a relationship would work out and that now I have finished the degree and found out the relationship did not work, why am I still here?

It was a very dark Sunday for me and it stretched on to Monday. I told Ms. C about it. All day long at the office I was mildly grouchy. I closed my office door so I could cry.

And then my period came.

Now I'm a little confused. Was all that darkness just because of my hormones? Or did my PMS enhance feelings lurking deep within my brain? It's the second day of my period now and I'm feeling a little better. However I am still feeling unsettled about being ambushed by my hormones. I know have more empathy for women going through post-partum depression.

Why are women's bodies built that way? Was there some evolutionary use for PMS? What did women gain by these blues? I do not know the answer to these questions. At least not right now.


In the meantime, I will continue to slog through the remaining PMS by taking longer walks during my two breaks and my lunch break. I need to cut myself some slack. It IS difficult moving to a new place and I know that occasional loneliness is natural. I've already make some new friends and I will make more.

scheduled an interview in duluth/ turned out to be shady

I got a call today. A local insurance company found my resume in monster.com. They encouraged me to apply for a sales management position. I am not sure whether this position suits me. But I scheduled an interview with them on this Friday. We'll see.

My old schoolmate gave me the suggestion that I should update the resume on monster.com every week which is helpful. And the fact that I got this on-site interview also proves location is important- it's always easier to get a on-site interview if you live close to the company.

I know the possibility that I get a long-term job in Duluth is low. But if I do, I will certainly enjoy it.

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I just talked with ex and now I began to highly doubt tomorrow's interview is a scram. He also got an email from this company several days after he put the resume on monster.com. Another local branch of the same company, same description of the same position. It's not like a coincidence.
I've been so happy for this interview. But now it turns out to be funny and ridiculous.
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I googled this company Bankers Life & Casualty company and was confirmed it's a legal but shady company. It's a very captive company. They sent out mass emails to job seekers, persuaded them to several group interviews, and show some fancy numbers. Then they have the job seekers sign an unfair contract. If the job seeker is not careful enough, he/she would be set in. And they don't keep promises. More than 90% of the contractors are gone in one year out of frustration. The company keeps the business without paying high renewal commissions and that's how it makes big money. That's also why they need to recruit so many people. It's true that 10% of the contractor make money since they work really really hard. But a company in which only 10% makes money is abnormal enough.

I canceled the interview and felt really dumb. I should have noticed it's too good to be true.

First Car

AFTER many nights and weekends of searching for the best, most fuel efficient, most roomy, most inexpensive used AWD vehicle not any older than 8 years old, I have realized there is no such thing. I decided to up my budget and go for a 5-year old used vehicle with a decent mileage, excellent safety ratings and over-all forever-car staying power. So, i am getting myself a Volvo.

All this time I was considering Subarus, Toyotas and Hondas. But I realized that Subarus are so in demand here that decent used ones cost more than a brand new Toyota Yaris. And Toyotas and Hondas were just hard to come by on Craigslist and even more expensive in dealerships. But then, Thursday last weekn, I went out for drinks with some officemates of mine. We went to the Purple Martini to just hang out with an off-site colleague who was in town for our monthly pubs meeting.

I had a Purple Martini and it was goooood! This is big coming from me because I am not a big drinker. I had one martini and that was enough to make me just a tad tipsy. I hitched a ride with my editor and I asked her about her car, which was an early 1990s Volvo station wagon. I just loved the leather seats. And I don't know if it was the alcohol, but I was so comfy sitting there. I glanced back and the storage area was roomy. I have always wanted a vehicle with a roomy storage area. Blame it on Kong Gerry and his monster tiger-striped jeep. That evening, in my very empty apartment, I looked for used Volvo station wagons and found that the credit union dealership I planned on visiting the next day had three Volvo Station wagons.

***

"Howard" was the first and only car we took for a test drive that day. I was with my friends Aida and Jong both of whom have more driving and car-buying experience than I ever had. Aida and Jong have had the habit of naming their cars after the dealer who sold it to them. I think it's kinda cute, so now I call my car Howard.

After driving it for a bit, I let Jong drive and watched his reactions. I figured, if he likes the way the car responds then that is a good enough gauge for me. Also, I wanted to fiddle with the many doohickies and doodads the car had, like separate temperature controls for the different seats, testing the CD player, and the dashboard cupholder that emerged at the push of a panel.

I let Aida test drive the car too. Aida and Jong both loved the car, maybe as much or even more than I did. So that settled it. I had seen many cars and I wanted this one. I began the paper work Friday and I finish it and pick up the car tomorrow.

An Update from Ms. N!

WHAT can I say? I have been remiss in posting in this blog since starting my new job and moving to Colorado. There are many things I want to share, all of which cannot fit in one entry. Let me just say, adjusting to a new job and moving to a new city, these are a whole new different challenge. When I started my job hunt, it was intimidating and seemed su7ch a lot of work. Then I learned from my mistakes, developed a strategy, and kept refining it after each interview. Now, my challenge is to make a life for myself here in Colorado. It helps that I like my job, my place of work and the place that I live in. Still, it's been so expensive starting out again. I miss my creature comforts. I also have been looking for a used car I can afford and although I would like to take my time with this decision, I feel pressure to find one soon because winter is coming.

I am sad that Ms. C has decided to return to Indonesia. But I also understand that this is what she wants. I'm looking forward to visiting her in Singapore one day :) I also spoke to Ms. W yesterday. A voice from Duluth! I see that Ms. W has been posting a lot and I'm excited to read all her entries.

That's all for now. There will be more!

Alcoholic Nights & Rock Concert

Last weekend was a blast.

Interview, frisbee, and random thinking

My first interview can't be worse. The interviewer is a middle aged woman from mayo clinic named Ms Fett. She said 6 years ago she changed from technique position to a management position. She let me introduce myself a bit first. So I began to talk my background and experience in using software. She then stopped me, asked how many interviews I had had and said she wanna I just answer her questions.

Then she asked my to give an example of overcoming some tough problems. I began to describe a theoretical problem and she asked the practical use. I gave some ambiguous guessing and she's not happy.

Then she asked me to give an example of avoiding some problems by paying attention to details. I had no clue how to answer that and came up something she said which is totally not at the point.

At last she want me to give an example again, about I did something above my motivation level. I gave an example during my teaching assistant experience. She's finally satisfied with me once.

Surprisingly she gave me a lot of feedback and interviewing tips. It seems someone in career services talked with her and she did it as charity. I at least realized the improving space of my interview skill is much much wider than I thought.
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Yesterday there's a campus Frisbee game, and I surprisingly saw Stu in the opponent team. I did not wear my glasses then, but I realized more and more familiar faces in that team: Jessie, Missy, Danial, Jason and more. I played with them all June and July in Grand Field! I thought I can hardly see them after the summer ended. Now I saw them again. I felt so happy. I know them better even than my own teammates.

They had a big and up beating team. They had a team song, they all wore short skirts(including guys of course, Jason even gave a round dance when I praised his nice shirt), they even had a ceremony during the middle which reminded my some religious gestures.

Our team adore simple and neat. We just play as hard as we can. We scored first and they caught up closely. I knew how good they are, but I underestimated my teammates. We were even better. We were always 1 or 2 points ahead of them.

During the second half, they fought back. They scored consecutively and was 2 scores ahead. We scored again. And the game ended as 9:10. But we will definitely meet them again. Since both of our teams never lost. And they said they never win that hard.

On the way back, Karla suggested me enter her team in spring. I told her I will be done in December. I had never felt that regretful for leaving the campus soon. I finally found my game here, but I had to leave. And those friends, I hope I can stay here for tens of years and play Frisbee with them. A little blue.
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I just decided to show my birthday including my birth year in the facebook and something happened. Some guy who used to sent me messages stopped doing that. I was not sure whether he suddenly became busy or he just found out I'm older than he expected and lost interest to talk to me. I never hide my age. He just made bad judgments from my appearances. I don't wanna be bothered by some guy who's bothered by my age.

An Update from Ms. C!!

You're not dreaming, I am alive! Aside from not posting, I also did not check this blog since I arrived in Saint Cloud. But today, I opened it and read Ms. W's posts and wow! W, I want to be able to express my feelings in words like what you did! And so I feel the urge to write today.

Being back in St. Cloud was a blast. Being able to talk to my sister, face to face, everyday is what I like. You see, I'm bad at keeping contact with people when I don't see them in person. So W, N, forgive me for my act of disappearing. You just need to call or email me when that happens. Anyway, back to the story, St. Cloud means social life for me. I get to be involved in the Indonesian Student Organization meetings and events. In fact, November 3rd is Indonesian Grand Kitchen. So we're "busy preparing" for the event. (Or should I say, we're busy talking about the event. The action comes much later since we like to procrastinate.)

Oh, and I also exercise twice a week now. My sister is taking her required PE class this semester so I took advantage and said I wanted to join her. That means badminton games every Monday and Wednesday. Fun!

~^~*@*~^~

Onto the BIG news, I decided to get a job in Singapore. And that means I'm going home to Jakarta at the end of November. This is not because I cannot get a job in the US. I know I can if I really try. The thing is, I really can't stand being away from my family. My 6 years in the US, the happiest times were those when it was decided that I was going home for Summer holidays. I finally convinced my parents that while I might be wasting an opportunity of having a life in the US, I will be happier there, closer to the people I cared about.

So yeah, big step in my life. And this is probably my first decision that I made myself, ever. Going to school, it was always clear where I would go next. From elementary school, to junior high, to senior high, no questions asked. Then my parents said it's good to study in the US, so I went. Then people said it's better to just continue with grad school and I went. This time, I'm going against a lot of reasons. Scarry!!!

A drunk and truth telling and echoing night

I never knew S was that lonely and insecure under his cool and playful appearance until last Saturday. We had a poker night at C's place. There were 9 other people there. 10 of us were playing poker with 5 bucks bet per person. S took 1 bottle of 50% degree alcohol along. He sat beside K1 with a ring from her boyfriend in the ring finger. They were close. K2, the girl who's sitting beside, also sat at sol's thigh and played poker for a while. I did not really care. It was just hard to ignore. And he got drunk as usual. K1 used to drink with him. But she had to drive on that day so she's in sober.

He began to blur and pour alcohol on the table and win or lose bet by not looking at the cards. Then he stumbled to look for bathroom. C helped him get into it and he grabbed the toilet seat and vomited, again and again. Half an hour passed, he's in the bathroom; 1 hour passed, he's still there. K1 entered there and I heard he began murmuring. I was very curious so I also entered the bathroom and asked K1 whether she minded my sitting beside her. (It was a bit impolite, though. I would use the bottle of beer as an excuse.)

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He's murmuring life is bullshit and everything is bullshit. I never saw he's that depressed before. I felt I was taking advantage of him but could not control myself to ask, 'what's the problems of your life?'. He said, everyone's leaving him, his life is about moving, the longest friend he has is M for 2 years. That's true, his parents are always changing working locations so he never stayed at one place for more than 4 years except Duluth. K1 and I comforted him that leaving does not mean losing. But he argued leaving is losing, because people are changing, when they're around, you involved your friends' changing; after their leaving, there's no way to do that and you lose them.

He almost convinced me. I felt it sometimes. No more common topics with old friends, and lose interest to call each other and become alienated: I experienced this even though I rarely move. He must have felt this strongly since he moves every 2 or 3 years and American culture encourages moving on. And he told me before once he was attached to a girl but she refused to see him and turned down his every contacting. He must have been deeply hurt then. After that he's very good at being unattached to girls. But deeply in his heart, he still wants to hold on to someone, something.

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'Girls', he said, 'someone said girls like me, that's not true. they like me for what? they like me for who I'm not. They expected me to be funny, cool, good looking. But I'm not. Look who I am, I'm not good at anything. There's always someone better. Girls always want me to be someone else. But I'm an asshole.' K1 said, 'No, S, you have sense of humor.' And I said, 'Ya, you are an asshole.'

I was pretty amazed to see he speaks so cogently drunk. He's right at some level. Why I like him? Because he's cool, funny, smart, and not bad looking. And I expect him to be always like that. I also expected him to be loyal and then gave up. Why I have the right to push him to be someone else just because I like him? But if I don't care about him, I would just neglect him. He's insecure. Though he gets a lot right now. He's not sure whether he can always be like that. And when he's not cool, funny, smart, and becomes old, how many people will still like him?

Again I was familiar with this. Once a guy sent me txts saying he likes me. He said I was like sunshine and was his smiling angle. What if I was not sunshine any more? What if I was dragged down by lots of problems and could not put smiles in my face any more? What if I was not pretty any more? And he replied, you're always be. I was disappointed. He just wanted to be with me when I'm up-beat and young and pretty, not when I'm weak and old and ugly. And that day will come. How can I be secure to spend long time with him?

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'In my life, I am always told, 'you're smart' and 'you should be better, better'. But I can't. I'm average, though I hate to be average. Look who I am, what I am good at. Maybe math, but there are tons of smarter mathematicians there. I'm good at nothing, nothing. I'm not a good fighter, I'm not good looking enough, ..., I can't live up to expectations. I wanna success in sth, anything, I don't care what it is...my life goes to nowhere...'

Again, familiar feelings. A school kid who gets high scores in school, and is praised to be 'smart', and expected to be successful in the future, and has illusions that would happen as a reward to good school performance. But the society doesn't really care about our glorious past and beats us heavily. It's even stressful to get a real job. Graduate school is like a rescue boat. But what after? Still hard to tell. The future is like a small boat in vast stormy oceans. Exactly, goes to nowhere.

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He also said a lot of other words he would never say when he's in sober. I began to understand he needs alcohol because he's bottled up tightly in sober to be a cool, smart and funny person. The alcohol gives him chance to be reasonably stupid and weak and open. In fact, I felt he's more wise when he's drunk. He even knew it was unfair: K1 and I both were in sober but he's drunk. And I also understood why he needs K1. I don't drink. He needs drunk friends to talk to when he's drunk. I don't need alcohol to be open. I think it's good but I feel a bit regretful.

Over S

I still got annoyed for S's being close to other girls. It's nothing wrong that I'm being emotionally attached to him. But expecting him not to be a guy fooling around with bunches of girls is hopeless. Part of the reason why he's attractive to me is he always surprises me. He's always funny and fresh. He's gonna fight in some bar in the cities within 2 months. He drives a motorbike. He listens to shock music. He makes fun of people around. He's cool and irresponsible. Accept it or not, it's him. If he's committed and loyal, that's just not him. Since he doesn't take life seriously.
What can I expect? If he changes someday, he's no longer S, the S I like. So just enjoy his accompany and have fun and keep away from him when the nights come.

Nervous about the coming interview

Someone in Mayo clinic is coming to give a speech next week. I scheduled an short 20 mins interview with her next Thursday. This is my first interview, not a formal one, but I'm gonna do it professionally. I also have a list of companies to send my resume out. 'Number games', as Ms. N put it.

Here's my number game plan:
1. update my resume at monster.com once per week;
2. send out at least 7 resumes per week;
3. prepare for common interview questions and do practices.

Just remember next Thursday is also Isaac's birthday. He's coming to Duluth then. And I had a 11:00 Frisbee game on Wednesday night. Oh, snap!

Sports day

Me again. Kind of changing this blog to my own one. Ms N and C, I'm looking forward to your updates!

So today, I watched Luke's softball game. Luke is my officemate. He's a sports guy. He plays football and broom ball. He doesn't play softball often. But he's in this cool intramural team called 'McLovin' who wore red today. The opponents were wearing blue. It was sad blue topped red. And Luke did not get playing much during the game. I was not a good cheerer. When the game went not well and Luke was a bit down, I did not know what words to say, what words to shout out. Better ask him tomorrow.

I had a Frisbee game at 10 in the nearby field so I said goodbye to Luke. My team also wore red in the game. I had two pretty nice catches. But my tosses sucked. My teammates are so awesome that we cheesed them easily and I did not have much remorse about my mistakes.

Other things I did today: finished 2 hws; practiced slack line and it went not very successful; hanged out with sol for a while but he did not return my messages later for some reason; met Kristal and made a plan for the friday night; was visited by bo and probably we're hanging out with kristal on friday night; got a ride from brad's new car; isaac spanked me in facebook, had no idea what it means; had nice talks with kai in facebook. And isaac's birthday's coming next week.
A lot of social things going on.